On Grieving

My Aunt Rosemarie took her final breaths on September 16th, 2016 at 8:56 pm, 16 years to the day her husband passed, right as the lunar eclipse was ending on the full moon. It was no coincidence that she transitioned to the after life on that day. As she was transitioning she was surrounded by her daughters, sister, cousin and myself. I rubbed her back, told her we loved her and kissed her as she took her final breaths and danced between this world and the afterlife. There was no other place at that time I wanted to be but there, beside her, with my family. As I write this almost 6 months later, I still tear up and get sad. My heart is broken.

Throughout her life, she was always serving people, she was everyone’s mother, taking care of everyone. Always being a nurturing figure. She taught me a lot. I believe she chose to transition on that day, so her daughters would not have to have two days each year to remember the day they lost their beloved parents.

To say the last few years have been rough is an understatement.

My Aunt’s passing was the biggest blow, watching her gradually fade for 11 months was gut wrenching. Watching my mother unravel as a result this has been heart breaking. Over the last six years, I’ve watched what cancer and addiction can do to people and their families.  It’s fucked up but I have kept on going. I’ve learned to prioritize, where to put my energy. Where not to. And not to beat myself up – I’ve learned to be nicer to myself. To find that self love deep down in the root chakra, my foundation.

I’ve experienced high’s and lows in the last six years. I’ve consoled my family and fought with them. I’ve been to jails, courtrooms, doctors appointments, and hospitals and I’ve been to beaches, temples, waterfalls, and rivers.

I’ve been so stressed out that I wake up with sleep paralysis and I’ve been so depressed that all I could do is cry and not move. I’ve found meditation, my guides, spirituality and awareness. I’ve found that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. I’ve learned there is no timeline, no schedule, it’s a deeply personal journey. For anyone to say other wise, I ask myself if they’ve ever grieved. I’ve seen a lot of anger through the grieving process. Anger is a distraction to fear and sadness. Insomnia, anxiety, depression it’s all part of the process. What’s important is self care. That cup of tea, those five minutes of peace and quiet, the gym, yoga, that hobby that helps you get centered. The manicure, pedicure or comedy show. That deep breath. This is part of being human.

I look at life through a different lens now and find I have a hard time relating to the day to day trials and tribulations. I have a hard time getting caught up with the desire to strive and accomplish to meet the expectations of others or to keep up with the Jones’. I don’t really care too much about being popular, or being in the “in-crowd” at work. I’ve stopped going to happy hours, stopped hanging out with people who make me feel less than, and if I don’t have something in my life I create it. I’ve learned how to meditate, be less judgmental, while being less tolerant of the BS, have an open mind and restrain myself from reacting. I’m not perfect and will still get caught up from time to time but notice when I do. I’ve learned to be more accepting of my parents and appreciate the time I have with them. I’ve learned to let go of the resentment, because I feel it causes dis-ease. I’m learning about boundaries, how not to take things personally and how not to pick up the slack from others. I still get my feelings hurt and feel left out. I’m still human. I’m learning how silence is enjoyable and noticing how I feel stretched on days that I really should put myself first. I’m learning balance and the art of speaking up in a way that’s not abrasive. I’m learning to be happy for other people and not feel resentful because it’s not my time. There is so much more to learn. It’s never to late to learn and it’s never too late to put down what’s no longer working.

Life is bittersweet, but we’re here to show up. We each have our own karmic path. We are all on our own journey.  It’s fucked up at times, but you have to keep going. I think acknowledging that it’s fucked up is part of continuing on the journey. You learn to prioritize, where to put your energy. Where not to. We’re all here to learn something about ourselves and the world. We’re all at different places in our karmic journey.

I’m here, alive, taking a breath, coming up for air and, waiting for the next round.

 

 

Trusting the Process

I’ve been feeling creatively stifled for 2 months.

Earlier in the year, I had a wave of inspiration to write. To capture recipes, stories and insight into living a more balanced, peaceful life.

It stopped – came to a halt. Rather than generating ideas or content, I started to look inward. I started to practice healing techniques, meditation, words of wisdom and recipes on myself. I became less social and savored quiet time. I felt this was right for me and trusted the process – I also felt frustrated. But I asked myself, if that was really my feeling of frustration or someone else’s?

I’ve been programmed to hurry up, to keep generating and I’m being lazy if I stop. I’ve been programmed to not be patient with myself. None of this is true. Yet, as I trust my intuition and inner voice to take some time to embrace life — the outside “noise” pipes up causing me to second guess myself.

I think many others feel this way too.

Part of the process in enjoying life is to stop, absorb it and practice the lessons we learn along the way. It’s important to embrace what we’ve learned and what we’re passionate about. If we’re always doing, moving on to the next best thing, we can’t savor it. So many times, we reach our goal or learn a new thing and we’re on to the next. I really admire people who practice what they’ve learned – there is a sense of calmness and expertise.

If I push myself to be generating content or force myself to learn more, it turns into information overload or a power surge, nothing productive happens and in fact, it becomes counter productive. There is a lack of passion, it’s a half baked idea and it’s obvious. Wheels keep spinning, energy is spent, I exhaust myself and go nowhere.

Looking within helps.

When the feeling of impatience comes up with myself, I note it, pause, start to look with in and unpack the way I feel. I try to identify where that feeling is within my body and visualize it. I’ve learned to be kinder to myself and visualize what being kind to myself looks like. Ironically enough, the kinder I am to myself, and more patient I am – the more creative and productive I become.

The take away is, trust the process, look within and be patient. We all have these moments from time to time. It’s part of life. We are human, not machines. 

Turn Up the Volume – Retrograde’s are Amplified Lessons

MoonsetWhen I first learned about Mercury in retrograde, I would be so anxious leading up to it, getting all thrown off during it and dreading the next one. Truth of the matter is, at some point, every single planet goes into retrograde and it’s part of that amazing Universe we live in.

Long story short, I decided, it’s pointless having all that build up of anxiety and started to look at each major retrograde as an opportunity to learn something about myself and my environment. Each retrograde has a theme or lesson that is amplified. Kind of like, turning up the volume on a favorite song, so you can really feel it. If we look at retrogrades as the Universes way of teaching us awareness, we can create the space and to do a little self reflection.  Start to ask yourself, “How can I apply that lesson into my daily life?”

Some examples of the lessons tied to retrograde include the most recent Mars in retrograde, focused on communication and the value of being mindful or selective with how we communicate with others — why is it only during that timeframe we should focus on that, shouldn’t we focus on that in our day to day lives? When Mercury goes into retrograde, technology issues can come up, often creating agitation — the lesson there is patience and acceptance.

It takes 21 days to form a habit, retrogrades vary depending on planet size, but their retrograde period is often a couple of weeks, which is long enough to reflect, learn, and apply the lessons each retrograde is teaching us into our lives. Cultivating awareness is key to becoming more compassionate and conscious.  When we start to self-reflect we can look at how our actions and non-actions affect others and the environment around us.  So the next time a planet is in retrograde, as tempting as it may be, don’t hide under the covers, turn up the volume and really experience the lesson the Universe is teaching!

 

Easy 3rd Chakra Meditation for Self Confidence

IMG_3923Yellow is the color of sunshine – it’s the core of your being. Meditate on your third chakra (think belly button), it’s the center of self esteem, confidence, self love. It’s the source of our true self, our inner being. It’s our source of power.

When you meditate on the third chakra, visualize the color yellow and the warmth from the sun. This warmth is the light of your inner being. That light is infinite. When you meditate on your third chakra, create a mantra. Tell yourself things like: “I am Confident,” “I have the power to assert myself,” “I shine from within.” These powerful mantra’s are the start to loving yourself again and generating that power from within.

Allow yourself to release any blockages. Yellow is expansive – imagine the confidence you are cultivating and light expanding out from your core. Give gratitude to your emotions, let anything go that is no longer serving you. Stories come up, because people have tried to bring us down in life. Whether it be because we’re not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, manly enough, rich enough – remember, those are just stories. We know who we are. We’ve been in this self since day one. Rather than being mean to ourselves and listening to those silly stories — turn it around by mediating on your third chakra, releasing all that negative stuff and filling your body with the warmth from the sun and self love you deserve.

You determine your self worth. Accept yourself for who you are right now. Let go of the story of non-self acceptance today. Trust your own guidance, every step on your journey has taught you valuable lessons. Part of standing in your own power and having a connection with your third chakra is knowing that it’s okay to make mistakes because it’s all part of the journey. Not by coincidence, third chakra imbalances are related to digestive issues, interesting how anxiety and lack of confidence are related to third chakra imbalance.

When nurturing the third chakra, eat yellow foods, such as yellow lentils, banana’s, corn – stay away from flour and processed sugar. Stay away from alcohol — especially if you are feeling low. Surround yourself with citrine and yellow serpentine. Take the time to nurture yourself and distance yourself from those who deplete your self esteem or make you question your worth.

Be yourself,  stand in your power, thrive. Let go of those stories. You are enough. Let your soul shine.